Life is Heald

One day in the late ‘90s, I was looking at a house for sale in our current neighborhood. All of the home sites were roughly an acre in size and we were looking for some room for the boys to ...

When Kevin high-fived a wall and sprained all the fingers on his right hand, he thought he’d have to take the week off. Then he found this homework assignment his sons had to do. He stole it, told them the ...

Creepy. There, you’ve been warned. Within the very broad parameters of what passes for normal in our country these days, I know that cosmetic surgery has its place and I’m fine with that. It’s when it gets out of place, ...

Breaking news from a large tar pit in Naples, Florida, where archaeologists believe they have made some amazing discoveries. When carbon dating results indicated their findings went back millions of years, researchers were confident they had found several prehistoric dinosaurs. ...

We all know three types of people in the world. There’s the kind you see from a distance in the grocery store, at which point you immediately abandon your shopping cart, run to your car and go to bed hungry.

Most years, when I try and trade our timeshare for some exotic locale, the only thing available is the first week in August in Pig’s Crotch, Arkansas. It’s the prime week for frying bacon on the sidewalk, but so far, ...

The golf world is all aflutter this week about a shot Bubba Watson hit from deep in the woods, under and around some trees and onto the green to win the Masters golf tournament on Easter Sunday. “Incredible.” “Unbelievable.” “Impossible.”

There are stupid people in this world. If that is a revelation to you, consider filling in some of those Grand Canyon-esque gaps in your social calendar and getting out more. There are also crazy people in the world. Most ...

For all that is holy and sacred in the name of Don Rickles, what is our world becoming? I no longer believe the center of our planet is a molten mass, but rather the core of one gigantic, extremely thin-skinned ...

I reluctantly went to my son’s bedroom the other day because you’re supposed to check for a pulse when the body hasn’t moved in 24 hours. I froze at the doorway and muttered, “Judging by appearances, I’d say the Unabomber ...

There’s a rumor going around that our oldest son is smart enough to go to college. I’m not buying it, but at least he has a career in document forgery waiting for him because the acceptance letter he showed me ...

To the gentleman in room 203 who just emerged from a coma after sleeping like a teenager on bear tranquilizers for the last six weeks and who requested he be brought up to date on all that he missed, here’s ...

“It’s just not worth it.” That’s what you hear people say when they’ve somehow been wronged, but the actions necessary to right the wrong would result in consequences even more unpleasant than the initial unpleasantness.

According to an article I read by Piper Weiss of Yahoo, there’s a couple of gals across the pond by the name of Beck Laxton and Kieran Cooper who’ve spent the last five years hiding the gender of their child, ...

My full, legal name is “Howell Kevin Heald.” I offer that not as a starting point for the identity theft interns, but as necessary information to understand what it was like for me on the first day of school every ...